Feat of clay

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog. Recently I did something terribly wrong which has for as far as a I can tell led to the end of a relationship with someone I love very much.  If there is anything I could do to undo what I did or even work through what I did I wish that I could.  I have never felt worse about my actions in my entire life. KLE I love you and I wish that we could at least try and talk about what happened. In the end I have to live with my own actions. I have done things in the past that I certainly regret none more han what I did to cause the issues that I am now going through.  The thing that hurts the most is that we were really good friends and now that this seems to be over I have lost a relationship and a friend. I am very sad about this whole thing. I can only speak to it from my perspective of course. For anyone who knows me or has spent time with me in the last month you know how much I have been beating myself up over this.  In the last year and a half I have gone through a lot and I wish that all the turmoil and turbulence would come to and end. Yet it is all self-inflicted I have to go back to the drawing board and figure out what is going on with me.  KLE I am so sorry. my best to you always.

Jamie

Life sucks sometimes

Well it has been a super long time since I have written a word.  Today was the one of those days that felt like being punched in the stomache.  Too late to go into detail. Tomorrow would be better. Time to write to find a way to let things go. From 8/13/08 to now has been the most stressful period of time in my life ever.  Welcome to midde age Iguess.

It’s been a while…..

The past month or so has gone by in a blur. The kids were in town, the first visit after the divorce. It was great to see them and very tough because time was so short.  It snowed a bunch the week that they were here and although it prevented us from seeing my family on Christmas day I think the kids had a blast playing in the snow.  All the other negative drama that accompanied their first visit I am learning to let it go. Be better prepared for the next trip.

 

Lots of other things have been happening. I almost got a puppy but didn’t. That was a bummer. I started playing trivia every Thursday (for the most part), which has been tons of fun. I have spent time with a bunch of people and so I have stayed busy. Probably too busy but for now I feel as though it helps me get by. Sometime soon I figure I will settle down into a better more stable routine, for now I am having fun.  I am going to see one of my favorite performers this week and I am really excited to see her agian after seeing her at the end of November.  She has the voice of an angel. Good stuff.  Brandi Carlile   Anyway making good progress on my household projects and spending quality time with friends. So far 09 is off to a good start.

One more day

flying out today, can’t wait. I wish the weather was a bit better. It will be very disappointing if we have travel problems.  Life is good. I am happy.  I feel pretty good about where I am at with things.

Ready for an new year

Without question this year has seen the most changes ever in my life. I have gone through the end of a marriage. I have ruminated over how many clients and friends for that matter who were about the same age as my daughter when their parents divorced. I have seen or they tell me how hard tit was for them and the role it still plays in their lives now. I know it has a profound impact on how children view adult relationships. I really grieve over this part of my decision. I fell in love this year and then that too went away. Along the way I had a great time and I am learning how to survive without the things you want.  It is not an easy thing to let go and I never want to stop being willing to take the chance. Then what else have you got? For me I too social of a person to close off that part of  human experience. I finished school this year 8 long years after starting. Too long. Ridiculous in fact.  I rekindled a lot of friendships that really had gone by the wayside out of neglect and circumstance. 

Three days till I see the kids.  I start to get overwhelmed with feeliings when I think about it.  The ywill be bigger and different. I hope I never take forgranted another second I have with either of them for as long as I draw breath. I am ready for a good time with them. I certain I will be really sad to see them go. If anything this year has taught me it is how to process feeling s of sadness and loss. That comfort comes from within and not from the outside in.  It feels as if my life will never be easy again, but I do not regret the things both good and bad that I went through this year. I n the end I think I better for it and will end up a happier person.  Still working on it though I still struggle and hurt people along the way. It is  a bad feeling to take the anger you have with yourself and direct it at other people, which is what I have done at times this year only to feel very small inside.  I am still growing up and I guess that is better than not growing up at all.

2 weeks and counting

14 days. I will not have seen my kids four four months to the day when I pick them up at Newark Airport on December 24th. I cannot describe what this past four months has been like for me.  I chose to let my kids move out of state. Not for my benefit but for theirs. I am not sure I can explain this decision to anyone. I made this choice based on what I thought would be best for my kids under the circumstances at the time I sought a divorce from my ex wife. My business that nobody really needs to know. I know what I did was the best choice. I have been second guessed by almost everyone I know. Fine. Gut wrenching, difficult, lonely heartbreaking and so forth. I have manged to get through it with the support of family (thanks Mel), friends (Kelly, John, Matthew, Keri), therapy and hard work.  Anyone who gets frustrated with the daily grind of their children, know that you have a treasure that you should never take for granted. I have hurt my kids in a way that I cannot take back and yet in the long run I hope that it was for the best. Really I will never know. I hate flying and yet I have never looked forward to getting on a plane more than I do now. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in any way shape or form. Those of you who know me know how hard this has been. My best Christmas gift ever will be having the kids for a mere seven days.

Thank you.

Insanity

If I have not heard the Big Book definition of insanity once I have probably heard it 500 times in the last 2 years.  If you are wondering, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. I have made some significant changes in my life this year but I am not sure I have left insanity behind.  Maybe its because I am doing the same things over again in just a different setting.  People are offering advice to me about any number of topics in my life, relationship issues, ex wife struggles, missing the kids. Whatever the case may be. I think there is a quote by Erica Jong that best describes advice

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong

Anyway point is I already know what I should do in these situations the real question is why do do I chose to keep doing the same things. What am I getting out of it? I have more social activities going on now than I need. I waver back and forth about how much is too much, I still hate being alone all the time. I am used to it but I don’t like it. Not really in my nature I guess. The reality is I expect that I would be fine if my kids were here. I miss them more tan I can describe. It hurts. I think this feeling of loss compounds everything else. Or maybe I am just having a really crummy day. Sometimes my job takes a toll on my psyche, dealing with the problems of others in a kind of force fed unrelenting environment inherently has days which push the edges. Unfortunately there are few people were I work that I trust and respect enough to process some of what goes on. Which is too bad. What I can say is the gang violence which is happening in Seattle is starting rival the kind of violence I remember from the days I worked in LA and there is nothing for the city of Seattle to do but hang its head in shame about what kids in the city are living through right now.

The ups and downs of a busy week

First off let me just say I have never been more disappointed in my folks than I was tonight. Having dinner with my dad the subject of the kids came up, the fact that they were coming soon and how much time I was going to have them over to see my folks. Then I asked my dad, “How often are you calling them?” His reply was “Once”. Once a week I think maybe. No. One time in the past 3 and a half months. What?  I actually scolded my father. He starts t tell how painful it is to talk to them. Really I said, don’t even go there with me.  I call them everyday. I don’t talk to them that often but I call and tell them I love them.  I know how much it hurts. Fuck they are my kids.  Truly disappointing beyond description.

 

This weekend was Thanksgiving. I just couldn’t go to my parents. I was missing the kids way too much to sit through a series of questions about how they are doing and what the |Christmas plan was. I couldn’t do it. I did something much better for me. Spent time with a friend and her family, it was fun, I had a great time and I was Thankful for that.  Truly.  I also saw one of the most incredible musical performances I have ever seen. An artist with a voice so beautiful it caused me several times to well up with tears.  Simply awesome. She has a gift that I am glad she shares with the rest of us. She being Brandi Carlile.

Also I have started putting away all the kids toys that were in storage putting their rooms together in preparation for their all too short stay. I am very excited nonetheless. I also have been boxing up all the family photos and family stuff that one day my kids may want as a remembrance of where they came from.  This has been really hard as I have sifted through old photos, and just stuff from a 15 year relationship. I am getting through it and I am proud of myself for keeping it for my kids. It would have been easier on me to toss it all but it just didn’t seem right.  I shouldn’t make those decisions for my kids as to what is important from this period in their lives. I feel good abut things in general. I am taking care of myself and working on the things I need to work on………

30 days today

Booked my flight to NYC get the kids the morning of the 24th. Best Christmas gift ever!  It has been three months    to the day that they left, some sort of odd symmetry at work I suppose.  I am so excited I can’t stand it.

At peace with it all

After a week of ruminating over the kids, my decisions on personal matters and generally not getting much done I have finally unstuck myself.  After getting some good feedback from a number of friends I trust I can’t help but be thankful for the people I have relied on over the past 6 months.  Not long ago I was asked by someone what do I think I should do when it comes to matters of the heart and at the time I couldn’t really answer the question.  Maybe I just process things slowly or maybe I just didn’t really know.  Or maybe I had just kind of lost my way. Whatever the case I feel as though following your heart is the best choice. This has been a difficult year and it would be easy to see everything from some sort of negative or whoa is me point of view but that would just be setting myself up for creating some story about how I decided to get divorced and nothing good has come out of it. I lost the kids, relationships didn’t work out the way I wanted and that in general relationships are things to be avoided.  The reality is I still get to chose I view my experiences and I can continue to create my own life in so much as I do not need to be a passive participant in the whole process.

 

This week was full of conflict via e-Maill between my ex and I. She refuses to speak to me over the phone so all contact is via e-mail. After shutting me down on picking up the kids 2 days early over the Christmas break I finally did what I should have done from the beginning and looked up the kid’s school schedule for the year.  I have the kids more that I though over spring break and the parenting plan is written in such a way as there is a conflict in when I can have the kids over the Summer. When I pointed this out to my ex she of course believed that decision should be in her favor despite there being conflicting allotments of time. Mediation here we come.  It is sad that we can’t just negotiate these simple things so that we can both have some flexibility to the agreement. But that seems unlikely to happen so if at all. Too bad.