Much to think about

I have been wondering why people stay in relationships that are not satisfying. I stayed in one for a long time. There were a lot of reasons why I did. Many of them perfectly reasonable and acceptable. Primarily it was for my children. My desire to raise them in a family environment like I had been raised.  To this day despite my own divorce I tend to think that problems can be resolved, the issues worked out. No relationship is satisfying all the time it requires patience and sacrifice and hard work. A friend of mine who’s parents’ divorced sees thing very differently than I as did my ex wife who’s parents divorced. IT always seems as though the man chooses to leave. Is that true? Well yes it is. But that is really very small portion of what actually happened in my marriage and I suspect that is the case most if not all divorces. Nevertheless I see the pain that my friend experiences at the loss of her father and I feel badly for her. Today I was thinking about my own children and how this will eventually play out in their lives.  It burdens my heart. I still ask myself was it all worth it? What did I gain and what have I lost.  The only way this makes any sense is if I do the things I felt I was not able to or could do in my last relationship that I was so dissatisfied with that I chose to leave. Make the changes, demand more of yourself and your partner. Don’t settle. Still it is hard to live this out at times especially after your feelings are involved or when you are unsure of what it is yo want.  This is why I need to take my time. And admittedly I struggle with this. Particularly now as I continue to have very strong feelings for someone and I am not sure what to do with my feelings.  I am learning, though I am learning. It is funny how willing to take risks and say what should be said at work and I often struggle to do the same in my personal life. My feelings and my desire not to have bad feelings may be a motivating factor. I just sense that people who are raised in divorced households expect that nothing lasts, “men” always leave, life is painful and ultimately so are relationships. I don’t want my daughter to view the world this way. What can I do I wonder?

Back in the house

I moved back into the house I left when I seperated from my ex.  After moving a bunch things into the house unloading some groceries I felt this wave of sadness pass over me.  There are things from the kids everywhere.  I sat down and just let if come. I almost cried but it didn’t come. I wish that it would. I need to have a good cry over this but I guess I am not quite ready for that. I need to get busy on making the house my own, paint, decorate put a few things away. 

Up till that point I had a great weekend.  I had plans on Friday but they never worked out and I ended up getting stood up by a friend.  Saturday I was invited to a wedding. It was nice. It was sweet to here the toasts fro the different family and friends.  I had no idea who any of them were so I was learning about these people in how they were being described by others.  K invited me to go and It was the first time we had spent any time together socially since my melt down a month ago.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I enjoy her company.  So I will take it day by day nad see what life brings to me.  There is no doubt that I still have alot of feelings for her. She makes me smile and laugh and calls me out on my BS. She was stunning in the dress she wore to the wedding.  We stayed up till dawn and slept till four it was a great way to spend a rainy Sunday.

tonight was the night

Said my goobyes to the kids. Not sure exactly what I am feeling. Many things. I am glad I have been prepairing for this day. Therapy and the support of Friends has put me in a much better place to handle what life has to offer.  I feel blessed.  I know my kids will be fine. They are loved.  I need to put my self care plans into action and not get stagnant.  Balance between processing all my feelings and finding relief from them when I need it.

comfort

Tonight was for my parents. I had my kids tonight and I had told my parents that I would bring the kids over so they could spend some time with them before they left. I had no idea what they would chose to do. They chose to go out to dinner. To me an odd choice given that it meant going to a very busy restaurant. It was the last option I wanted but I went along as I had let my folks do the choosing and it wasn’t about me. Tomorrow is it till December.  I am drained and exhausted and I can see that the kids are as well. They had so many play dates and activities scheduled for them by their mother that they really have nothing left. I could wonder about why but I already know.  It hurts. I am starting to feel the pain of separation. Do they sure but it is less immediate. There is a protective factor in youth, maybe or maybe there is really none at all and they are suffering in ways I cannot comprehend.  I just want to hold on to them tomorrow as long as I can and tell them I love them.

I am so thankful that K has invited me to do something on Saturday.  For a multitude of reasons. It will be the first time we will be spending time together socially since my meltdown occurred. I really believed that seeing her again would never happen.  Whatever happens I will enjoy the time and enjoy it as much as I can. I have missed her in ways that have been taught me alot. Forced me to look at myself. It has been powerful and positive and necessary for me to grow and grow up.  Hopefully as I continue to grow and and mature I will have more of myself to give to others.  I am beginning to find a balance within myself that wasn’t there before. Even as I go through this separation from my kids, I have started to develop parts of myself that will make me a better person. I think I can see how this will translate into being a better parent and person if I continue to work on myself. I cannot stop and allow myself to be consumed by self pity, remorse and guilt.  It has resulted in nothing good.  

As K and I have started to talk and write I have been reminded of the things that I had enjoyed about her.  I have less desire to want to control things, less need to do so, less anxiety and all that goes on around me.  I can see myself starting to enjoy lfe again despite the painful things that I am going to go through.  I love my kids so much, I will miss them in ways that I have not likely begun to realize or experience yet. But I am stronger now and I am ready to be there for them and myself.

80 hours left….

“The last 80 hours” was the title of the e-mail I received today from my ex.  Really my last two evenings with the kids before they leave.  I didn’t sleep last night, not much anyway.  Nothing feels comfortable. Time seems to be both dragging on and collapsing at the same time.  Drained today. Lots of weird stuff has happened this week to contribute to this. More conflict with a co worker who has decided that my goal at work. To the point where she broke down in tears in front of other co workers and made a bunch of accusations about me, it was special.  I just don’t have the emotional energy to invest in trying to smooth things over.  Especially when I feel as though this is an issue more with my colleague than myself.  Not to say I have not participated in creating them. 

 

I got a call out of the blue from an old friend who heard through the grapevine that I have been going through a divorce. It was nice to catch up.  Nice to hear another perspective on things from someone who has known me longer than any other friend.  He invited me to his daughter’s 1^st birthday party on Saturday. I need to stop by and make an appearance. I need to reconnect with old friends and put in the time and energy to nurture the relationships I have.  One of my favorite musicians passed away yesterday and it has left me feeling very sad. LeRoi Moore from the DMB was a very talented woodwind player/musician.  Having played the sax for many years I admired the impact he had on one of my favorite bands. I will miss his music. 

 

Life is so fragile and short and hectic.  I miss having a place to come in from the chaos for a while and be at peace.  Soon I will make it happen. I am working on it. I don’t think I can tolerate sitting next someone with hygiene issues on the bus today. It might get ugly.

Feelings

It was my last weekend with my kids before they move.  The time has gone so fast. I am not sure what I feel yet.  Nothing? No when I talk about it with people who are listening and asking questions it is a lot more than nothing.  Somewhere between sad and angry and guilty for the choice I made. And then back to vindicated and assured that what I am doing is the right thing.  Having the opportunity to talk with a therapist has been the best thing I could have done (thank you K, I know long over due).  Someone who doesn’t have a vested interest or a side they need to take. Just someone to ask me good questions, give me feedback, remind me of what I am gaining by making difficult choices that cause me a great deal of pain. 

 

The kids are going to be fine. Ryan is ready to go, so he tells me.  He wants to make sure that his stuff that he is leaving behind will be there when he comes back.  Lily, she is going to be fine too. I made her stay the night with me, despite her wanting to go back to her mom’s. Best thing I could have done. She was fine after a couple of tears.  The thing that is causing me the most pain right now is something so basic to having a child that you take it for granted after a while.  Especially that relationship between dads and daughters and mothers and sons. The thing that I have lost and will likely never get back is that sense of being able to do no wrong in my daughter’s eyes. I am sure over time as she got older this would change into a different set of feelings expressed in different ways.  As for now though there was that bond she loved me without question, she still loves me but I have hurt her in a way that has changed how she experiences me-that is my biggest loss and that would have come whether she moved away or not.  Nothing about this has been easy, for any of us. 

 

Now we are down to six days, five really for me.  Every moment seems important.. I know they will be back. Three months is a long time.  The sadness is coming I can feel it. I need to feel it in order to get through it, I will not ignore it or numb myself to it.

Sleep

Sleep is a funny thing. When I am not getting enough of it you learn to make do with what you get. Even if it is impacting one’s day to day functioning.  The last time I slept more that 5 hours was July 14^th. A month ago now. I remember it because I think I slept till noon that day after going to bed super late. I started listening to Soul Coughing a group that I used to listen to in the past after I ran across a CD of theirs in my favorite music store of all time Easy Street Records.  There is a song of theirs about sleep that captures the essence of what I miss most about sleep.

 

                       Lazybones

 

 When all the limbs are numb and clean,
And youre in transit, dream to dream,
Ill drift there to meet you, lazybones.

When all the world has lain and sank,
And money sleeps inside the banks,
Ill drift there to meet you, layzbones.

Cameraman sways to remember how the eye dances,
Drunkenness is a hand-held
Scrambling down delancey
I come stumbling;
Well I hear you had to take a shine
And firing at random, I hear the rays fell upon mine.

Cool you, miss amaze, with a handful of water
Trucks encircling, bearing down, coming louder.
If I could stay here, under your idle caress
And not exit to the world and phoniness and people.

When all the noise has left your head
Will someday you rise off the bed?
Ill be there to lift you, lazybones.

 

The real countdown is on 7 days are left. I gave my kids the laptop with the webcam yesterday. My son didn’t care but I think it is going to be a really good thing for my daughter as a way to keep in touch with me and her friends as well.  I hurt for her as this has been a very difficult thing for her to go through.

A long week and it is only Wednesday

This has been busy week with lots of things happening. I think I’ll start with the negatives and end on a few positive notes. First, this has been the worst week I have ever had at my current job. There has been a series of issues that have arisen some of which I have created and some of which are out of my control. Being the subject of office gossip related to my personal life has been annoying but the least of my problems. Having my boss tell me that I need to start meeting with her on a weekly basis is both annoying and insulting. Admittedly for a period of time I was barely getting any work done. I was depressed. I told her I was and I asked her to bear with me as I was taking steps to address what was going on. Since I have had that conversation my productivity has been as good as it has ever been. To top things off I was given an assignment which I did not complete due to the relative short amount of time I was given to complete the task, so I was reprimanded for that and I was accused by a co worker of lying repeatedly. And this coworker basically threatened to go to my boss and tell her about my personal life. I am going to run my boss into the ground if that is the way they want to play it. I am ready.

Today is the 13^thof August. My kids will be moved in 9 days. It seems very surreal to me. I know they are going. I am trying really hard not to make a big deal out of it as it is hard enough on them as it is. My son who is three used to ask why we are getting a warvorce. It broke my heart and made me smile at the same time. I am taking them to the movies this weekend. I am going to miss them. I will be sad for a while after they go. I am already trying to plan next weekend to stay busy. But I haven’t been successful in finding people to do things with yet. I am buying them a laptop with a web cam before they go. I won’t see them again until Christmas. I worry about them every day.

On a different subject, I am going to have to move back into the house I have been trying to sell. The market just won’t allow me to sell it. Not necessarily a bad thing but I am cashing out my ex and giving her a sum of cash so I can get her off the loan. Good thing is I will still have a garden and when I finish putting my fence up I will have a good place for the dog I plan to get. But it also means that I am going to have to find a roommate to help offset the cost of the mortgage payment. We will see how that goes.

My dissertation is almost done. I have asked for an extension through the first three weeks of September and I expect that will be granted. I still have lots of work to do to reformat it and get it ready for printing as well as prepare for my final defense. But it is exciting. I am excited to finish and I am really excited to catch up with some old friends in LA.

On a good note related to work we had a graduation for our clients today. It was a smaller than usual graduation so we used a smaller room and it was much more intimate. These graduations are what reminds me of why I like my job as much as I do as we help people learn how to change their lives in significant and profound ways.

The best thing I saved for last. I finally had the opportunity to talk with K. It was really nice. It is funny the things you miss about someone, the sound of their voice for instance. I am still not sure what will happen. But I know that I still have feelings for her and talking to her reminded how much as I spent a good deal of the day thinking about our conversation and about her in general. It is interesting to me that we are both struggling with what to do next, or where do we go from here. How do I manage my issues at this point and time and when will I be ready to have the type of emotional energy or availability I think I should have when I am in a relationship. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I am over thinking things. Other times I think I want to go slow and date and do the things we kind of skipped over at the beginning of our relationship. Most importantly I was able to talk to the person who really has been my best friend over the past 8 months. I have missed her for that single reason more than anything. I keep my fingers crossed that we find a way to try again.

OK that’s enough.

A long week

Many things happened this week some good some bad.  My kids are in San Diego this weekend. Next weekend  is my last with them before the move.  It is a crushing feeling. I am trying to normalize it as much as I can for the kids.  This whole process has devestated My daughter and It is tearing me apart. I hope she can forgive me as she gets older. I had a very intense conversation with my father about my kids and he was trying to be supportive but it really made me angry.  Up until the beginning of this week I had slipped into a very deep depression-for a number of reasons.  I started medication a few weeks back and by the middle of this week I was feeling much better.  I have been trying my best to have amicable interactions with my soon to be ex wife, as of Monday it is official. Our wedding anniversarry was Friday the 8th.  I asked her to do me a favor regarding selling the house and she was unwilling despite it being in her best interest and the best interest of our kids.  Spitefull I understand why she is angry with me. She is clearly in a different place than I am. K sent me a text that gave me alot to think about as I really thought that I needed to move on and learn a number of important lessons about myself and how I handle my new found singleness.  I don’t know where things might go but I have a better handle on being on my own and I am really working on it and taking much better care of myself. Now is not the right time to see anyone so I need to stay focused on my own issues and I hope that someday things with her work out. When will I be ready, I wish I knew.  Our softball team has two playoff gamesand when I think about how much has happened over the course of the season it reminds me of how intense of a summer I have had. I need to write more here. I tend to write befor I go to bed and I end up writing on sheets of paper.