In therapy today I talked about being sad. I am sad. I have tremendous amounts of guilt. The divorce the kids moving I am responsible for all of it. I could have lived on and on the way I was. I could have fought the kids moving out of state. I agreed to it all. At times I ask myself why? And that is between me and the maker. I have explained it in detail to no one but my therapist. I am grieving over the loss of my kids. I need to feel the feelings of loss that I have, it is tearing me me apart that I agreed to this. Even though I think it is in my kids best interest. Fuck me.
I have been listening to Liz Phair’s exile in guyville non stop because the raw emotion of that album catches the feelings that I am having. Just the ups and downs of life and relationships. For example:
Lyrics to Divorce Song :
And when I asked for a separate room
It was late at night, and we’d been driving since noon
But if I’d known how that would sound to you
I would have stayed in your bed for the rest of my life
Just to prove I was right
That it’s harder to be friends than lovers
And you shouldn’t try to mix the two
‘Cause if you do it and you’re still unhappy
Then you know that the problem is you
And it’s true that I stole your lighter
And it’s also true that I lost the map
But when you said that I wasn’t worth talking to
I had to take your word on that
But if you’d known how that would sound to me
You would have taken it back
And boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Boxed it up and buried it in the ground
Burned it up and thrown it away
You put in my hands a loaded gun
And then told me not to fire it
When you did the things you said were up to me
And then accused me of trying to fuck it up
But you’ve never been a waste of my time
It’s never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you’ll be alright
And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
But if you’re tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am
But you’ve never been a waste of my time
It’s never been a drag
So take a deep breath and count back from ten
And maybe you’ll be alright
I wonder if this is me. I don’t want to be the guy with the backpack. The hanger on. The idiot who can’t get a clue. Oh put me out of my misery if that is the case.
She says later on in this album:
You took the car, it was my favorite one
A little white Dart, and drove it to Idaho
You took the horse, it was a thoroughbred
Saddled it up out on the interstate
You killed the cat, burned it in antifreeze
Dumped in the trunk with the rest of the cattlefeed
You took the house, you went and changed the locks
Now I am stuck living out of a box
I think I’ve been taken
For everything I own
I’ve been hurt so badly
I’m alone, baby, I’m alone
You left me nothing
You left me nothing
Johnny Sunshine
You left me nothing
You left me nothing
Johnny Sunshine
You left me nothing…
You
Everything is taken. I have nothing left. What else is there. Being alone sucks. Rip it up and start again?
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