This week has been a reality check. Thinking things could go back to the way they were was folly. Not that I thought they would but I guess I hoped. It is stupid really. I am not in the place to be in a realtionship anyway. I keep telling myself this but I don’t seem to grasp the concept all that well. So then I end up spending time with a person whom I still have alot of feelings for. It is really hard for me to admit that to myself, I wish it were different. Fact is I would welcome it but that doesn’t seem to be the case and oh yeah, I need to remember I need to give myself time. Bottom line is I am really struggling being alone. I see how my friend lives in an apartment and she may be single but she has friends at the ready, when she so choses to hang out she can. That is a real blessing. Me I have a house which isnice butat times kind of feels like a prison. Nobody is going to just stop by to say hello see if I want to hang out. Then I did something last weekend I shouldn’t have done I agreed to go with a friend and do something but I think we had very different views of what this meant. I just wanted to get out and not sit alone at home. This person clearly had ideas that it was more and that made the evening very akward. Almost the flip side of the night/day before.
I need to get back on track focus an taking care of myself my responsibilities and let life take care of itself. I can’t control anything other than what I do and how I react to the world around me. If only I acted in that way I would be better off. This continues to be the hardest year of my life. Just needing support when and where I can get it.
Good things are happening. I finally finished my dissertation. I need to extend my extension. This would be a huge relief, no more writing and revising. I started painting again, it is good to put yourself into a medium where you can express yourself in some non verbal way. I started painting the inside of my house. Making it my own space has become important step for me. Started putting up the rest of my fence in the backyard with the goal of getting a dog before the kids return in December. I shouldn’t complain my life is pretty good even if I don’t have all that I want how I want it, but when does that ever happen?
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