The reality of the kids being gone is starting to set in. I talk to them on the phone and I miss them deeply. It hurts me. It is hardest when my friends talk to me about their kids because I have nothing to say other than listen and think about what my kids may or may not be up to. I feel this frantic urge to do all these projects around my house. Why?
1. Too keep my self busy.
2. Because I think that I have these almost magical thoughts that when I finish these certain things good things will happen. Things that I kow won’t really come true, but that I want them to be true. Not a good place to operate from but I am aware that I am doing it so I keep it if it comforts me.
I am sick, I am seeing the doctor tomorrow. I am actually kind of worried. I have not been keeping food in me for the better part of 2 weeks. I am hungry constantly and eating but my body is not working the way it should. You would think that at some point I would pay attention to all this and take better care of myself, stop smoking, I am so mad a t myself that I have not quit. Stupid.
I went out this weekend. Friday and Saturday. Both nights with friends who are a couple and they invited someone (female) without telling me they were going to. I had a good time each night it was nice to see old freinds and catch up. Just made me feel lonely though, ultimately I need to somehow deal with all the feelings I still have about K. If I listen to the message I get from her things have run their course. I think we boith still have feelings for each other and as much as I would liketo see her that is just not where things are at. It is too bad. I miss her and I would like to try and see her, particularly now that I am getting to be ok with myself and I am learning how to enjoy being single. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to date or spend time with someone (i.e. K). I may never fully understand how things became the way they are, it doesn’t matter really. I am starting to let it go and be okay with it. Despite the fact that it makes me sad, I am not in despair. I think because I feel so much better about myself than I did three or four months a go.
Many other things are going well. More later.
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