Keep your head up

Is an old hockey term, meaning if you aren’t looking your about to get cracked.  Much like contact sports such as football or hockey it is often the hits you don’t see coming that often hurt the most.  There seems to be a certain violence that can happen in a relationship when one person does something that hurts the other in a way that is totally out of character.  Having inflicted this form of pain on several people this year and dealing with the ramifications has been a very hard lesson. On top of that we all have our own unexpected moments. Several of which have hit me recently, largely because they came unexpectedly.

Getting an innocent call from a telephone solicitor, I know why was I picking up the phone?, who launched into her spiel about  a children’s magazine I had ordered for my kids and since let expire. As she rushed through her “fantastic” offer I had to stop her. I told her that really the person she ought to be calling is my ex since she has the kids. I could have ordered the magazine and not said anything or just no thank you, but a part of me wanted to say what was really on my mind and quite frankly phone solicitors if anyone kind of deserve it.  Needless to say it was the fastest I have ever been able to get one of them off the phone besides just hanging up on them. Fact is I wasn’t expecting a call like that and it caught me off guard and made me both sad and angry. Those in your face moments that shine a very bright light on what I do not have in my life are often not welcome unless I turn that light on myself.

Two days later. I am in the parking lot at costco, a place I never go to anymore, since I live alone and don’t often eat in bulk. Anyway I am going there to pick up some photos and low and behold who do walk smack dab into just as I am walking past my car but my son’s preschool teacher from last year. Ugh. In what I can only imagine was with best intentions she asked how the kids were.

HER ”It’s really to bad that you aren’t together anymore. You were such a nice family. We all miss Ryan.

Why not just whip out a scalpel and cut my heart out there in the parking lot?

ME “Thank you (what do you say to that?). I hope to bring the kids in during the summer.”

HER  ”to visit?”

ME “I need to leave there for child care during the summer.”

HER “Oh so you get them for the summer?”

No I just want to pay the money just in case…

Capper though is the VM message my son who is four leaves on my phone Monday. He gives me a few quick updates an Halloween and his preschool class and then starts to get teary and sad and says to me “I love you and I really miss you because I am with mom and I really really miss you. I hope mom gets better if she doesn’t I want to stay with you. I hope you take care of me bye bye”

I love you too Ry

More questions than answers

Sometimes there are days that seem to typify your experiences with someone or something. I think I had one of those days this weekend. The only thing is I am not sure what it all really means. I think sometimes I think too much, I tend to live my life in my head, not sure I will ever change that part of myself. What it means though is that when something happens and I am not sure what to do with it I take it and think about it, I think about it a lot.  I was asked a question that completely caught me off guard and it was a good question. One that I have asked myself many times and one that I have probably answered a little differently each time.  I think the reason for that is, I am still largely in a state of transition. Needless to say my life has gone through major changes this year and I am still in the process of going through those changes, how they impact my life and how I can best move forward given the circumstances I find myself in.

So when asked “what do you think you should do?” given the circumstances that are less than what I would like them to be, in large part due to some a very stupid thing that I did combined with my global issues of the minute, I can’t help but think that this person is making the best choice for herself. Given that she tells me that at this time she has no interest in anything more that getting together from time to time what can I say. It makes perfect sense to me.  So given what I know and how I feel, which is that I still have a lot of feelings for her, I go back and forth. Do I just leave her be? Do I continue to spend time with her and see what happens? The rational part of me tells me that I should leave well enough alone and let things happen as they will and come to terms with what has happened between us. Another part of me tells me that even when I ask how she feels about me I never really seem to get a clear picture and that I still have feelings and I would at there very least try again when I am in a better place and time. Which is why I am working so hard on puttings things together in my own life. Not just for the purposes of this relationship but because I need to take care of myself in much better ways than I was earlier this summer.

The toughest thing about all this is knowing how much I did to turn something great into a mess. Tou can’t ever undo what has been done. Best thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and be a better person from it.

Good Day

Nothing special just having a good day. Looking forward to the weekend.  Amazes me how childish someone can be when they are angry with you. For example I have not spoken with my kids in a week. Why? Not really sure, no reason would really be good enough as far as I can tell. But I am not

My performance evaluation

Just had one yesterday. After reading it before my evaluation started a wave of calm washed over me. When I feel this calm coming I know that I am in trouble.  It is or can be both a blessing and a curse this calm. It is why I was and still am good at crisis work. It is why I have worked on involuntary commitment teams and the mandatory treatment teams for the mentally ill. In those situations staying calm with aggressive and unstable clients can save your life and keep you and your client safe. When I feel this coming on personally or professionally it means more than likely I am so angry I go to my best coping mechanism I have. I know I learned this growing up in a house full of chaos and anger. Now I use it when I am about to get really angry. 

So back to the eval. funny thing is the rating I received wasn’t all that bad. What made me angry were the comments.  Down grading me for having problems with co workers who are liars, unethical or who cry in meetings to get there way. When I have approached my supervisors about these people I have been told to handle it better, “your the therapist you shouldn’t get sucked into all this” What! Message is don’t come to me with concerns or problems. Which trust me I won’t ever again.  I should have known better anyway. Problem was I needed to let them know b/c this person who I was having problems with was literally fabricating interactions between the two of us to serve her purposes. Whatever. I refused to sign my eval. I needed to sit on it a day. I will ask for modifications and then sign i. I need to let it go by tomorrow. I am not luging it around over the weekend.

On more good job news. Latest is that  we are look at 10 manditory unpaid  furlough days that cannot all be taken at the same time or consecutively, in exchange we get our step raise and a cost of living raise. Pretty much a push this year but better off in the long term. Than no raise this year. Job stress sucks. Going to LA in 8 days. Crazy. I can’t believe I am finally going to finish.

I have not spoken to the kids in 6 days. Fuck. Hard not to start calling my ex a bunch of names when the only reason I have not had contact is b/c of her. Lily will be getting her own cell phone when she visits. I think after the new year I need to push myself to keep making changes in my life.  Take a class, figure out what I want to do with my social/emotional life. For now I just need to get my dissertation finished, put up my fence, paint my house and enjoy my camera.

Maybe by Jan 1 I will be unemployed

Worstcase scenario of course but a real possibility. Never, ever have I lost a job. Never fired, laid off, whatever. I have been lucky enough to always leave on my own terms.  It has been a very unsettling time where I work. Our jobs are being discussed in the papers, at city council meetings and by the legislature.  My job in the hands of politicians. Not a comforting thought. Losing my job would essentially wreck me financially.  I am trying to stay positive and re-frame the worst of it into a “new” opportunity to try something new or different or to do the post doc internship that would allow me to really get licensed all that much faster. Never the less I would lose the house, and struggle to pay my bills-not a good thing for me or my kids. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I bought a new camera, despite all the uncertainty I felt like I needed to do it. Not sure why I felt this way. I have been wanting to buy one for months.  Now I just need to learn how to use it which means taking lots of pictures.  I think I needed something to do that was fun and relaxing and not more work to do when I get home.  I could work after work on the house forever. It has its own rewards but not always that relaxing.  I am planning to take as many pictures as possible this weekend just to try it out.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate.

Returning to LA in less than two weeks.  Lots of friends to see, dissertation to defend and places to visit. It will be nice to be done with school, essentially it has taken me eight years to do what most do in four.  Oh well I never have been one to get things done in a timely fashion. Didn’t finish high school on time, not college, nor my masters’ nor this degree.  I am sure no one but me, my parents and my chair really care at this point.  It won’t mean anything for me professionally for the foreseeable future. After I finish I plan to go out of town the next weekend just to relax, unwind and then jump back into a bunch of things I have been putting off.  I want to go to the ocean and just listen to the waves crash into the beach, maybe just maybe take a  dog or two for a walk along the beach and have a few laughs with good company. I think I have earned it.

Random Thoughts on a Monday

Sixty. The  number of days exactly till I have my kids for 10 days.

Hatred is it better than apathy? Depending on the degree with which it is expressed, I lean toward yes.  I spent a part of an afternoon in which I could have been invisible for the most part. Ignored really by the group of people I was with (for the most part). Since it matters to me what they think (to a small extent) I think I would rather they hate me, at least there is some sort of common ground. Apathy is so all together different. The nothingness of it  is striking. But hey you can’t make people like you.  The funny thing is I have been around them enough to know have some sense of the kind of person they do like. I am not that kind of person.  Not animated enough, loud enough, outgoing enough (?). High context versus low context. ( Me being low of course).  Aside from that I had a good time and really a pretty damn good weekend. Emptied out my storage unit saving me 187 dollars next month and creating hours of work at home sorting through packed boxes of stuff. What to keep for the kids is the hard part. What will my daughter and to a lesser extent will my son possibly appreciated from their parent’s failed marriage.  Have I now become the keeper of my ex wifes wedding dress until my daughter reaches adulthood? Pictures, and stuff, artifacts and relics. I felled a tree in my backyard, kind of, My neighbor and I had a friend of his who knows how to cut down trees did the actual skilled portion of the event. I just cleaned up the mess in my yard. Sunny weekend days are things to cherish in Seattle and that’s what I did. Making the most out of a rare weekend of sun.

My bus ride in to work today is a series of random things loosely pulled tight. Guy sitting next to me on the bus, and not the first time he has sat next to me, always reading religious material. Typically a bible, but today a book, book. I am reading my own book, a satirical book of short semi autobiographical storys by Sloane Croasley titled “I was told there’d be cake”, funny book. She has devoted a chapter to the origin of her name and experience of having an unusual name.  Come to find out that she is named after the female character in a 1960’s Charleton Heston movie Daimond Head, yes of course that Daimond Head in Hawaii in which NRA prez Hess is playing a Hawaiin Plantation owner and his sis Sloan is in love with a no good local. Anyway back to the bus. At some point I look over  and the guy is starting Ch 3, entitled “Can a loving God really send people to Hell?”, I know for sure that a Jewish old testament God would. Lots of Sunday school and eventually Catholic HS taught me that.  Better yet and this is where it comes full circle Heston played none other than Moses who saved people from Hell and he played the astronaught in Planet of the Apes where he Damns everyone to Hell in the last line of the movie whan he finds the statue of libery buried in sand on the beach.

The kids are coming

Not for a while yet but I have had these overwhelming bouts of missing them recently. Especially when I talk to them on the phone. Not being able to sit with them. Play with them, wrestle on the floor with them, or share a meal. If my finances were better off than they are now I would be tempted to fly back to NY for a weekend but I can’t. Not yet.  I have a trip to LA to defend my dissertation. And I need to fly out to NY at Christmas and bring them back to Seattle.

In many other ways I feel very positive. I have shifted my focus onto the things I need to do for myself and getting them done one step at a time.  There seems to be a never ending array of things to do so I keep busy. My social life is good to. I have friends who I am reconnecting with and starting to do a variety of things that I stopped doing over the years. The best thing is that I am more comfortable being alone, that I think has been the biggest challenge in this whole process. 

It is very interesting to have conversations with my friends about my social/personal life. Some have tried to fix me up on dates, others have given their opinion about who or what I should be looking for in a relationship.  Interesting for the sake of conversation but I prefer to let things happne as they are. I am happy with my current situation and feel no need to rush anything. When I do go out with someone I have a great time and I feel comfortable, happy even.  For now that is enough, in fact it was much more than I had before. 

Finally started to share this link with a few people so I am a little nervous about it. I think it is hard for me to share with people in general so I should just get over it.

Filling the void

I am really starting to miss my kids. I have not talked to them for a few days with no return phone call. When I get a phone msg from them it is hard to listen to it. It hurts me.  I can’t wait for them to come home.  In the mean time I continue to learn how to fill my time in positive ways and to balance fun and productivity.

At times I wonder if I will ever settle into another relationship. It seems kind of ridiculous to ask myself that since I stayed in a bad one for a very long time. I tend to prefer couplehood and companionship over being single.  I think what I really want is to be happy. To find someone who is as interested in me as I them.  Still though I am unsure what this really means. Who or what kind of person is that? Someone who wants kids? Doesn’t want kids? Already has kids? I know that I need to let life unfold just as it should.

 

Good things continue to happen all around me.  Dissertation defense is set for Nov 3rd.  It will be like lifting a huge weight off my back.  In addition to this I have nearly finished painting the inside of my house.  The last week of softball is here and I am both glad to be finished but I am sure I will miss it.  We have gone from being terrible last year to pretty good this year. It has been fun.  I plan to work on my fence tomorrow and if I am motivated and get stuff done over the next few weeks I plan to get a dog after I go to LA to defend my dissertation. 

Social life has been a mixed bag. Spending time with K has been fun. I enjoy the time we spend together. It is comfortable and I enjoy her company. She is a special person to me.  I also have been socializing with a broader set of people. Having a balance of social outlets has been good.  I had forgotten that people like to hang out with me.  It is true. When people avoid you. You begin to incorporate that into your sense of self in a very gradual way. Till it becomes part of you reality.  It has been a little like group therapy getting feedback from the other members of the group. 

I still haven’t wrapped my mind around being divorced. I really am not sure how to talk to strangers about it. Sometimes I think divorces are for “old” people. That’s not me.  But it is me. Hm.  No computer at home still I need to get that thing fixed pronto.  This week no excuses.

Life is good

I had the best weekend I have had in a long time.  Friday I got to have Lucy the lab come and stay with me. She is great, she loves to be loved and it was nice to have that undivided attention of something who wanted to be with you no matter what you were doing.  I love that dog. It also reinforced how good it would be for me to get my own dog. Why wait for the fence to be finished what is the use in that really?.  So I have started looking at dogs on the Humane Society web page.  I also got a lot of painting and cleaning done Friday. Saturday I had company over for the first time. I made dinner for someone other than myself for the first time in oh maybe three months, and best of all the company was great. It was a very nice night. Sunday was more of the same good company followed by planting Hyacinth bulbs in the garden and then playing a couple of softball games. I am really starting to feel comfortable being on my own. I think the key really is having some balance between my desire to have friends and other people in my life and my developing sense of self on my own. Something that you can easily lose through the course of a marriage and parenthood.

It is a good place to be in.  I am feeling stronger now than I have in a really long time. Back when you are young and feel invincible and that you will live forever or at least a long time without having to think about what happens when you get old.  I am not feeling that way at all but I am finally accepting things the way they are.  I can’t wait for december to come. I need to book my flights with the kids soon.  I think I am really going to like having a dog. In part I like the whole aspect of learning how to interact with a dog. I like it.

Washington state is f***ed

OK so I get a certified letter in the mail that I have to pick up at my local post office. Sign three different forms verifying my receipt of this document.  This form is part of my child support stuff. It is titled NOTICE OF SUPPORT AND DEMAND FOR PAYMENT. Fine no big deal. Legal document sounds official. Whatever.  So it is literally longer and requires more info than a home loan application. I kid not.  I need to write out the exact amount of money I made each month for the last 12 months, the standard financial disclosure info, where it gets really good is when I am asked how much each month I spend on every one of my utilities (exactly), the amount of money I spend on food per month as well as the amount of money I spent on food for myself out side my home (what?) like I remember.  Here are a few of the highlights from the  rest of this form. How much I spend each month on clothing (does dry cleaning count?), parking, gas, hair and personal care products as finally books, newspapers and magazines. Jesus H Christ.

On to the good stuff I had alot of fun on my lunch hour. I went to this new store at Westlake www.lush.com and got to play with all this bath/shower cosmetic stuff that is all organic or green. Anyway it was fun. Plus I have been buying gifts for people. I won some money and it seemed like the best way to spend it was to give it away so to speak. It has been like throwing yor own Christmas. Fun. Anyway nothing but one big long meeting interrupted by my trip to lush.  So far it has kept me sane.  I mailed some of the gifts to my kids and I am giving away more today. Neat.