Ready for an new year

Without question this year has seen the most changes ever in my life. I have gone through the end of a marriage. I have ruminated over how many clients and friends for that matter who were about the same age as my daughter when their parents divorced. I have seen or they tell me how hard tit was for them and the role it still plays in their lives now. I know it has a profound impact on how children view adult relationships. I really grieve over this part of my decision. I fell in love this year and then that too went away. Along the way I had a great time and I am learning how to survive without the things you want.  It is not an easy thing to let go and I never want to stop being willing to take the chance. Then what else have you got? For me I too social of a person to close off that part of  human experience. I finished school this year 8 long years after starting. Too long. Ridiculous in fact.  I rekindled a lot of friendships that really had gone by the wayside out of neglect and circumstance. 

Three days till I see the kids.  I start to get overwhelmed with feeliings when I think about it.  The ywill be bigger and different. I hope I never take forgranted another second I have with either of them for as long as I draw breath. I am ready for a good time with them. I certain I will be really sad to see them go. If anything this year has taught me it is how to process feeling s of sadness and loss. That comfort comes from within and not from the outside in.  It feels as if my life will never be easy again, but I do not regret the things both good and bad that I went through this year. I n the end I think I better for it and will end up a happier person.  Still working on it though I still struggle and hurt people along the way. It is  a bad feeling to take the anger you have with yourself and direct it at other people, which is what I have done at times this year only to feel very small inside.  I am still growing up and I guess that is better than not growing up at all.

Insanity

If I have not heard the Big Book definition of insanity once I have probably heard it 500 times in the last 2 years.  If you are wondering, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. I have made some significant changes in my life this year but I am not sure I have left insanity behind.  Maybe its because I am doing the same things over again in just a different setting.  People are offering advice to me about any number of topics in my life, relationship issues, ex wife struggles, missing the kids. Whatever the case may be. I think there is a quote by Erica Jong that best describes advice

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong

Anyway point is I already know what I should do in these situations the real question is why do do I chose to keep doing the same things. What am I getting out of it? I have more social activities going on now than I need. I waver back and forth about how much is too much, I still hate being alone all the time. I am used to it but I don’t like it. Not really in my nature I guess. The reality is I expect that I would be fine if my kids were here. I miss them more tan I can describe. It hurts. I think this feeling of loss compounds everything else. Or maybe I am just having a really crummy day. Sometimes my job takes a toll on my psyche, dealing with the problems of others in a kind of force fed unrelenting environment inherently has days which push the edges. Unfortunately there are few people were I work that I trust and respect enough to process some of what goes on. Which is too bad. What I can say is the gang violence which is happening in Seattle is starting rival the kind of violence I remember from the days I worked in LA and there is nothing for the city of Seattle to do but hang its head in shame about what kids in the city are living through right now.

More questions than answers

Sometimes there are days that seem to typify your experiences with someone or something. I think I had one of those days this weekend. The only thing is I am not sure what it all really means. I think sometimes I think too much, I tend to live my life in my head, not sure I will ever change that part of myself. What it means though is that when something happens and I am not sure what to do with it I take it and think about it, I think about it a lot.  I was asked a question that completely caught me off guard and it was a good question. One that I have asked myself many times and one that I have probably answered a little differently each time.  I think the reason for that is, I am still largely in a state of transition. Needless to say my life has gone through major changes this year and I am still in the process of going through those changes, how they impact my life and how I can best move forward given the circumstances I find myself in.

So when asked “what do you think you should do?” given the circumstances that are less than what I would like them to be, in large part due to some a very stupid thing that I did combined with my global issues of the minute, I can’t help but think that this person is making the best choice for herself. Given that she tells me that at this time she has no interest in anything more that getting together from time to time what can I say. It makes perfect sense to me.  So given what I know and how I feel, which is that I still have a lot of feelings for her, I go back and forth. Do I just leave her be? Do I continue to spend time with her and see what happens? The rational part of me tells me that I should leave well enough alone and let things happen as they will and come to terms with what has happened between us. Another part of me tells me that even when I ask how she feels about me I never really seem to get a clear picture and that I still have feelings and I would at there very least try again when I am in a better place and time. Which is why I am working so hard on puttings things together in my own life. Not just for the purposes of this relationship but because I need to take care of myself in much better ways than I was earlier this summer.

The toughest thing about all this is knowing how much I did to turn something great into a mess. Tou can’t ever undo what has been done. Best thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and be a better person from it.