Insanity

If I have not heard the Big Book definition of insanity once I have probably heard it 500 times in the last 2 years.  If you are wondering, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. I have made some significant changes in my life this year but I am not sure I have left insanity behind.  Maybe its because I am doing the same things over again in just a different setting.  People are offering advice to me about any number of topics in my life, relationship issues, ex wife struggles, missing the kids. Whatever the case may be. I think there is a quote by Erica Jong that best describes advice

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong

Anyway point is I already know what I should do in these situations the real question is why do do I chose to keep doing the same things. What am I getting out of it? I have more social activities going on now than I need. I waver back and forth about how much is too much, I still hate being alone all the time. I am used to it but I don’t like it. Not really in my nature I guess. The reality is I expect that I would be fine if my kids were here. I miss them more tan I can describe. It hurts. I think this feeling of loss compounds everything else. Or maybe I am just having a really crummy day. Sometimes my job takes a toll on my psyche, dealing with the problems of others in a kind of force fed unrelenting environment inherently has days which push the edges. Unfortunately there are few people were I work that I trust and respect enough to process some of what goes on. Which is too bad. What I can say is the gang violence which is happening in Seattle is starting rival the kind of violence I remember from the days I worked in LA and there is nothing for the city of Seattle to do but hang its head in shame about what kids in the city are living through right now.

comfort

Tonight was for my parents. I had my kids tonight and I had told my parents that I would bring the kids over so they could spend some time with them before they left. I had no idea what they would chose to do. They chose to go out to dinner. To me an odd choice given that it meant going to a very busy restaurant. It was the last option I wanted but I went along as I had let my folks do the choosing and it wasn’t about me. Tomorrow is it till December.  I am drained and exhausted and I can see that the kids are as well. They had so many play dates and activities scheduled for them by their mother that they really have nothing left. I could wonder about why but I already know.  It hurts. I am starting to feel the pain of separation. Do they sure but it is less immediate. There is a protective factor in youth, maybe or maybe there is really none at all and they are suffering in ways I cannot comprehend.  I just want to hold on to them tomorrow as long as I can and tell them I love them.

I am so thankful that K has invited me to do something on Saturday.  For a multitude of reasons. It will be the first time we will be spending time together socially since my meltdown occurred. I really believed that seeing her again would never happen.  Whatever happens I will enjoy the time and enjoy it as much as I can. I have missed her in ways that have been taught me alot. Forced me to look at myself. It has been powerful and positive and necessary for me to grow and grow up.  Hopefully as I continue to grow and and mature I will have more of myself to give to others.  I am beginning to find a balance within myself that wasn’t there before. Even as I go through this separation from my kids, I have started to develop parts of myself that will make me a better person. I think I can see how this will translate into being a better parent and person if I continue to work on myself. I cannot stop and allow myself to be consumed by self pity, remorse and guilt.  It has resulted in nothing good.  

As K and I have started to talk and write I have been reminded of the things that I had enjoyed about her.  I have less desire to want to control things, less need to do so, less anxiety and all that goes on around me.  I can see myself starting to enjoy lfe again despite the painful things that I am going to go through.  I love my kids so much, I will miss them in ways that I have not likely begun to realize or experience yet. But I am stronger now and I am ready to be there for them and myself.