80 hours left….

“The last 80 hours” was the title of the e-mail I received today from my ex.  Really my last two evenings with the kids before they leave.  I didn’t sleep last night, not much anyway.  Nothing feels comfortable. Time seems to be both dragging on and collapsing at the same time.  Drained today. Lots of weird stuff has happened this week to contribute to this. More conflict with a co worker who has decided that my goal at work. To the point where she broke down in tears in front of other co workers and made a bunch of accusations about me, it was special.  I just don’t have the emotional energy to invest in trying to smooth things over.  Especially when I feel as though this is an issue more with my colleague than myself.  Not to say I have not participated in creating them. 

 

I got a call out of the blue from an old friend who heard through the grapevine that I have been going through a divorce. It was nice to catch up.  Nice to hear another perspective on things from someone who has known me longer than any other friend.  He invited me to his daughter’s 1^st birthday party on Saturday. I need to stop by and make an appearance. I need to reconnect with old friends and put in the time and energy to nurture the relationships I have.  One of my favorite musicians passed away yesterday and it has left me feeling very sad. LeRoi Moore from the DMB was a very talented woodwind player/musician.  Having played the sax for many years I admired the impact he had on one of my favorite bands. I will miss his music. 

 

Life is so fragile and short and hectic.  I miss having a place to come in from the chaos for a while and be at peace.  Soon I will make it happen. I am working on it. I don’t think I can tolerate sitting next someone with hygiene issues on the bus today. It might get ugly.

Sleep

Sleep is a funny thing. When I am not getting enough of it you learn to make do with what you get. Even if it is impacting one’s day to day functioning.  The last time I slept more that 5 hours was July 14^th. A month ago now. I remember it because I think I slept till noon that day after going to bed super late. I started listening to Soul Coughing a group that I used to listen to in the past after I ran across a CD of theirs in my favorite music store of all time Easy Street Records.  There is a song of theirs about sleep that captures the essence of what I miss most about sleep.

 

                       Lazybones

 

 When all the limbs are numb and clean,
And youre in transit, dream to dream,
Ill drift there to meet you, lazybones.

When all the world has lain and sank,
And money sleeps inside the banks,
Ill drift there to meet you, layzbones.

Cameraman sways to remember how the eye dances,
Drunkenness is a hand-held
Scrambling down delancey
I come stumbling;
Well I hear you had to take a shine
And firing at random, I hear the rays fell upon mine.

Cool you, miss amaze, with a handful of water
Trucks encircling, bearing down, coming louder.
If I could stay here, under your idle caress
And not exit to the world and phoniness and people.

When all the noise has left your head
Will someday you rise off the bed?
Ill be there to lift you, lazybones.

 

The real countdown is on 7 days are left. I gave my kids the laptop with the webcam yesterday. My son didn’t care but I think it is going to be a really good thing for my daughter as a way to keep in touch with me and her friends as well.  I hurt for her as this has been a very difficult thing for her to go through.