2 weeks and counting

14 days. I will not have seen my kids four four months to the day when I pick them up at Newark Airport on December 24th. I cannot describe what this past four months has been like for me.  I chose to let my kids move out of state. Not for my benefit but for theirs. I am not sure I can explain this decision to anyone. I made this choice based on what I thought would be best for my kids under the circumstances at the time I sought a divorce from my ex wife. My business that nobody really needs to know. I know what I did was the best choice. I have been second guessed by almost everyone I know. Fine. Gut wrenching, difficult, lonely heartbreaking and so forth. I have manged to get through it with the support of family (thanks Mel), friends (Kelly, John, Matthew, Keri), therapy and hard work.  Anyone who gets frustrated with the daily grind of their children, know that you have a treasure that you should never take for granted. I have hurt my kids in a way that I cannot take back and yet in the long run I hope that it was for the best. Really I will never know. I hate flying and yet I have never looked forward to getting on a plane more than I do now. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in any way shape or form. Those of you who know me know how hard this has been. My best Christmas gift ever will be having the kids for a mere seven days.

Thank you.

Feelings

It was my last weekend with my kids before they move.  The time has gone so fast. I am not sure what I feel yet.  Nothing? No when I talk about it with people who are listening and asking questions it is a lot more than nothing.  Somewhere between sad and angry and guilty for the choice I made. And then back to vindicated and assured that what I am doing is the right thing.  Having the opportunity to talk with a therapist has been the best thing I could have done (thank you K, I know long over due).  Someone who doesn’t have a vested interest or a side they need to take. Just someone to ask me good questions, give me feedback, remind me of what I am gaining by making difficult choices that cause me a great deal of pain. 

 

The kids are going to be fine. Ryan is ready to go, so he tells me.  He wants to make sure that his stuff that he is leaving behind will be there when he comes back.  Lily, she is going to be fine too. I made her stay the night with me, despite her wanting to go back to her mom’s. Best thing I could have done. She was fine after a couple of tears.  The thing that is causing me the most pain right now is something so basic to having a child that you take it for granted after a while.  Especially that relationship between dads and daughters and mothers and sons. The thing that I have lost and will likely never get back is that sense of being able to do no wrong in my daughter’s eyes. I am sure over time as she got older this would change into a different set of feelings expressed in different ways.  As for now though there was that bond she loved me without question, she still loves me but I have hurt her in a way that has changed how she experiences me-that is my biggest loss and that would have come whether she moved away or not.  Nothing about this has been easy, for any of us. 

 

Now we are down to six days, five really for me.  Every moment seems important.. I know they will be back. Three months is a long time.  The sadness is coming I can feel it. I need to feel it in order to get through it, I will not ignore it or numb myself to it.