Feat of clay

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog. Recently I did something terribly wrong which has for as far as a I can tell led to the end of a relationship with someone I love very much.  If there is anything I could do to undo what I did or even work through what I did I wish that I could.  I have never felt worse about my actions in my entire life. KLE I love you and I wish that we could at least try and talk about what happened. In the end I have to live with my own actions. I have done things in the past that I certainly regret none more han what I did to cause the issues that I am now going through.  The thing that hurts the most is that we were really good friends and now that this seems to be over I have lost a relationship and a friend. I am very sad about this whole thing. I can only speak to it from my perspective of course. For anyone who knows me or has spent time with me in the last month you know how much I have been beating myself up over this.  In the last year and a half I have gone through a lot and I wish that all the turmoil and turbulence would come to and end. Yet it is all self-inflicted I have to go back to the drawing board and figure out what is going on with me.  KLE I am so sorry. my best to you always.

Jamie

Life sucks sometimes

Well it has been a super long time since I have written a word.  Today was the one of those days that felt like being punched in the stomache.  Too late to go into detail. Tomorrow would be better. Time to write to find a way to let things go. From 8/13/08 to now has been the most stressful period of time in my life ever.  Welcome to midde age Iguess.

It’s been a while…..

The past month or so has gone by in a blur. The kids were in town, the first visit after the divorce. It was great to see them and very tough because time was so short.  It snowed a bunch the week that they were here and although it prevented us from seeing my family on Christmas day I think the kids had a blast playing in the snow.  All the other negative drama that accompanied their first visit I am learning to let it go. Be better prepared for the next trip.

 

Lots of other things have been happening. I almost got a puppy but didn’t. That was a bummer. I started playing trivia every Thursday (for the most part), which has been tons of fun. I have spent time with a bunch of people and so I have stayed busy. Probably too busy but for now I feel as though it helps me get by. Sometime soon I figure I will settle down into a better more stable routine, for now I am having fun.  I am going to see one of my favorite performers this week and I am really excited to see her agian after seeing her at the end of November.  She has the voice of an angel. Good stuff.  Brandi Carlile   Anyway making good progress on my household projects and spending quality time with friends. So far 09 is off to a good start.

One more day

flying out today, can’t wait. I wish the weather was a bit better. It will be very disappointing if we have travel problems.  Life is good. I am happy.  I feel pretty good about where I am at with things.

The ups and downs of a busy week

First off let me just say I have never been more disappointed in my folks than I was tonight. Having dinner with my dad the subject of the kids came up, the fact that they were coming soon and how much time I was going to have them over to see my folks. Then I asked my dad, “How often are you calling them?” His reply was “Once”. Once a week I think maybe. No. One time in the past 3 and a half months. What?  I actually scolded my father. He starts t tell how painful it is to talk to them. Really I said, don’t even go there with me.  I call them everyday. I don’t talk to them that often but I call and tell them I love them.  I know how much it hurts. Fuck they are my kids.  Truly disappointing beyond description.

 

This weekend was Thanksgiving. I just couldn’t go to my parents. I was missing the kids way too much to sit through a series of questions about how they are doing and what the |Christmas plan was. I couldn’t do it. I did something much better for me. Spent time with a friend and her family, it was fun, I had a great time and I was Thankful for that.  Truly.  I also saw one of the most incredible musical performances I have ever seen. An artist with a voice so beautiful it caused me several times to well up with tears.  Simply awesome. She has a gift that I am glad she shares with the rest of us. She being Brandi Carlile.

Also I have started putting away all the kids toys that were in storage putting their rooms together in preparation for their all too short stay. I am very excited nonetheless. I also have been boxing up all the family photos and family stuff that one day my kids may want as a remembrance of where they came from.  This has been really hard as I have sifted through old photos, and just stuff from a 15 year relationship. I am getting through it and I am proud of myself for keeping it for my kids. It would have been easier on me to toss it all but it just didn’t seem right.  I shouldn’t make those decisions for my kids as to what is important from this period in their lives. I feel good abut things in general. I am taking care of myself and working on the things I need to work on………

Counting the days now

In the past two weeks I have spoken to the kids more than at any time since they left. The result is that I miss them more every time we talk. Ryan because phone conversations are very hard for him still. He loses interest quickly and often times starts to rattle off things he might want me to know in no particular order. The one thing I have noticed lately is that he has developed a very good sense of humor. He is starting to use irony and rhetorical forms of humor. It is pretty neat.  Lily on the other hand impresses me with her keen sense of observation. I think the divorce has had a profound impact on her she is a much more serious person now. I was on the bus today and there was a couple of kids riding with their mother and it just made me feel so lonely. This happens to me often but it passes and I work on staying positive and in the day.

 

I think one of the challenges that comes with having the kids for only a week is to not start grieving their departure until they leave. Over the summer it was so hard because all I could think about was the fact that they were going to be gone. I need to be prepared for this otherwise I will slip back into all the stuff that was so negative before and really rob myself and the kids of enjoying our time together. I have no idea how I am going to do this.  I think that a support group for divorced fathers would be good for me to go to even if it is just a couple of times.  I am sure I could learn from the wisdom of others.

 

This is the first time I have used a computer at home since I moved out. I finally took mine in and got it fixed then it sat for two weeks before I decided to hook it up and tun it on.  Went back to the gym today, again another positive thing I need to keep doing.  Self care is paramount. I think this probably goes for who I spend time with as well. Not all social relationships are good ones. Ultimately who I chose to spend time with is a reflection of how I am taking care of myself, it often times for me is all about the choices I make. I am looking forward to another weekend of good weather. I have a pretty big Maple tree in my driveway and I plan to finish cutting and splitting it weather permitting. Good stuff keeps me busy and I should have plenty of good wood next winter. Off to bed for me.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I wonder about the fact that my daughter called and left me several excited VM messages today. One on the cell and one on my office phone.  The content of the messages were Dad call quick I lost my first tooth in NY. Not the first tooth she has lost mind you but the first in a while and certainly since she has moved.  Based on the fact that I had a miserable  day at work today. Working a ten hour day, no lunch and jumping through hoops to get an airline to do something nice and free of charge.  Not an easy task. Point is I didn’t call her till 8 PM her time and  all I get is VM. 

It is always the little things that surprise me that catch me off guard the most. I know milestones for each of my kids are coming and I am going to miss the majority of them. I am happy that she called and that she wanted to share with me. It tells me she is still connected to me. But these are the things that just rip me up.  But then not as much as they used to. And that is what kind of worries me. In the sense that yes I am growing more accustomed to the fact that I have to share things long distance. That I am removed from the kids day to day lives.  Growing accustomed to that so it doesn’t affect me as much as it used to, is that really a good thing? I’m not sure. Obviously I need to be able to function and I am and I have been since, oh about the end of August middle September at the latest.

 

Point is I know they are getting used to missing me, as kids are certainly more adaptable than adults. What does that say for me and my relationship with my kids? Not sure yet, its a process I know some days are much much better than others. Today getting that news was just one too many straws. Tomorrow will be better I am going to do my part to ensure that it is.

I still can’t believe it

Someone punched me Friday night and I walked away without reacting in a way I likely would have under any other circumstance. Trust me my first thought was to hit they guy back but it would have ruined what was turning out to be a good evening.  Why did someone hit me you might ask. Well that is the other really weird part of the story. I was out with a friend it was her birthday this week and I took her out to dinner and to hang out together. After dinner we stopped at a place to have a drink. I am standing outside having a smoke when a random stranger starts asking me about my shoes. My shoes of all things, he asks me what kind of shoe they were. HE starts rattling off shoe brands. Finally I tell him, “I think they are rockports” but to be honest I didn’t really remember. Thing is he kept talking to me about the shoes. The reason I mention this is b/c if this part of the conversation never happened I would have never found out who this guy was and it would have been over after my smoke.  But in the course of discussing shoes, yeah shoes. I told him the reason why I like slip on dress shoes is b/c there are times I go into the jail to see people and I prefer not to have shoes with laces just in case they become untied. Whatever. He asks me what I do and I tell him who I work for. So then the really bizarre part of my night begins. He just happens to be the alcoholic stepson of my supervisor.  At this point I am thing what is the fastest way to end this conversation and I need to leave this place ASAP. So as I am making a little small talk, did I mention this guy was very intoxicated? So I am making small talk and getting ready to go inside when he with out any kind of warning punches me in the stomach. Now my first thought was to hit the guy back, but I quickly realized that this decision would likely ruin my evening so I tell the guy he best not touch me again. The super strange part is that he then starts talking to me like nothing happened. I could speculate as to why he hit me but it doesn’t really matter all that much. He follows me in and says hello to my friend who also happens to work with me and walks away. I go to close out my tab after calling my friend who was planning to meet up with us and tell her we were headed elsewhere. I notice that he is sitting at the bar with a full pitcher and talking to another person. HE sees me and starts talking to me again. I ask the bartender, who I know a bit to keep the guy busy so I can get out of there. Which we manage to do. Point is I was really pretty agitated. And my adrenaline was flowing pretty good.  I kept thinking why me? How random was that? As I think about it now I am even more happy with myself for not acting on my first instinct. The rest of the evening was pretty fun despite of how wound up I was.

As for the rest of my weekend I spent all day Saturday up at a friends place in Birch Bay right on the water. Played with his two kids and had alot of fun. He is a great friend who has been super supportive of me this summer and despite the fact that spending time with him is tough in some ways because being around kids certainly makes me miss my own kids. It is also nice to be around kids. I enjoy kids as they are fun.  Today I came home and the plans I had didn’t work out but in the end it was for the best. Lily called and we spent an hour talking on the phone which was great. She was kind of catching me up on all sorts of things and she was telling me about all the things she had been thinking about doing and the next three trips back home. It was great. 6 weeks to go. 6 weeks goes by fast. My daughter told me tonight. “Dad, some days go by so fast it seems as though they are only a few minutes long” Lets hope so, to me this year has seemed as though it has lasted ten. I know I have aged alot this year and I can see that the stress of this year has aged my kids.  I have never wished for time to pass by so quickly as I do now. 

I continue to work on myself during this time. I have learned  a lot about myself, how to manage being alone alot and the importance of taking care of yourself without the distraction created by caring for others. Which is likely something I have never really done a good job of in the past. I will continue to try and enjoy the journey and learn what life has to offer rather than fight against the current.

Finally

After starting a doctoral program in clinical psychology eight long years ago as of today I am finally done. It took about three years longer than it should have but at this point I really don’t care. I have never had to work so hard on, or worry so much about one particular thing.  It is a big weight off my back. I have so many feelings anywhere from giddy excitement to just plain relief. Kind of a touch of sadness that I have no one to share this accomplishment with.  I called or texted anyone I could think of just to let people know. But there is a part of me that feels sad that my ex was not around for this, she helped me get this done and for most of this process I always thought she would be there for the finish.

Best part of coming down to LA to finish, by defending my dissertation, has been catching up with old friends.  It has been so much fun I have already started making plans to come down and visit again when I have the kids this spring or summer.  This week also was halloween by far the hardest time I have had in terms of missing the kids. A kid focused special day that there is no real way to ignore. Everywhere you go there are reminders of what is going on.  My first experience of how difficult the holidays must be for people who are missing loved ones for whatever reason, anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, whew things I am learning to deal with.  Funny thing is I chose to fly to LA on Friday night rather than come down on Saturday or Sunday just so I wasn’t home answering the door for trick or treaters or wishing I had some party to go to.  My flight, I swear to god had 20 passengers on it. It was so odd everyone on the plane was talking about it. I can’t remember a flight that empty since long before 9/11.

Anyway one big task completed.  More to look forward to. It has been a pretty good all things considered.

Who hoo for me!

Good Day

Nothing special just having a good day. Looking forward to the weekend.  Amazes me how childish someone can be when they are angry with you. For example I have not spoken with my kids in a week. Why? Not really sure, no reason would really be good enough as far as I can tell. But I am not