when is enough enough

I can honestly say that my ex is now just starting to express how angry she is at me for seeking a divorce.  It is obvious in so much as she has not spoken a word to me since she moved out of state.  Noe though when I pushed her on something that was a reasonable request, an accommodation really, that I sought from her she took it as an opportunity to say no and to tell me in so many words how selfish I had been over the course of the summer and how much pain I have caused the kids. All true to one degree or another. A page and a half detailing specific past transgressions. Which I understand. She is angry at me and this is not what she wanted.  In an attempt to appeal to the idea that making the kids stay in NY to finish the last two days of school and then fly back fly back to Seattle on Christmas Eve was probably not in the kids best interest, I earned some sort of written tongue lashing.  It is too bad that things were not better between us but they weren’t. I needed to make a change for my own sense of self and my health. Now when I ask her to consider deviating from our written parenting plan I am accused of selfishness and looking out for my own self interests. To be sure I would rather fly to NYC on the Friday before Christmas and return the next day. Much easier for me but really this is about not making the kids fly across country on Christmas eve when they could already be back two days earlier. even one day would be better than the day of.

 

What can I do? What do you say? Wait try and be patient continue to appeal to the notion that this kind of response is ultimately not good for the kids. The divorce has happened. I made the most generous sacrifice I could make. I let them move out of state, that was not some sovereign right you had to take them.  Not to appease you but that I thought in the end it would be best for the kids if you were as happy as you possibly could be.  I can deal with the issues in a more positive way, I never anticipated that you would or could. And you are proving me right.

Counting the days now

In the past two weeks I have spoken to the kids more than at any time since they left. The result is that I miss them more every time we talk. Ryan because phone conversations are very hard for him still. He loses interest quickly and often times starts to rattle off things he might want me to know in no particular order. The one thing I have noticed lately is that he has developed a very good sense of humor. He is starting to use irony and rhetorical forms of humor. It is pretty neat.  Lily on the other hand impresses me with her keen sense of observation. I think the divorce has had a profound impact on her she is a much more serious person now. I was on the bus today and there was a couple of kids riding with their mother and it just made me feel so lonely. This happens to me often but it passes and I work on staying positive and in the day.

 

I think one of the challenges that comes with having the kids for only a week is to not start grieving their departure until they leave. Over the summer it was so hard because all I could think about was the fact that they were going to be gone. I need to be prepared for this otherwise I will slip back into all the stuff that was so negative before and really rob myself and the kids of enjoying our time together. I have no idea how I am going to do this.  I think that a support group for divorced fathers would be good for me to go to even if it is just a couple of times.  I am sure I could learn from the wisdom of others.

 

This is the first time I have used a computer at home since I moved out. I finally took mine in and got it fixed then it sat for two weeks before I decided to hook it up and tun it on.  Went back to the gym today, again another positive thing I need to keep doing.  Self care is paramount. I think this probably goes for who I spend time with as well. Not all social relationships are good ones. Ultimately who I chose to spend time with is a reflection of how I am taking care of myself, it often times for me is all about the choices I make. I am looking forward to another weekend of good weather. I have a pretty big Maple tree in my driveway and I plan to finish cutting and splitting it weather permitting. Good stuff keeps me busy and I should have plenty of good wood next winter. Off to bed for me.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I wonder about the fact that my daughter called and left me several excited VM messages today. One on the cell and one on my office phone.  The content of the messages were Dad call quick I lost my first tooth in NY. Not the first tooth she has lost mind you but the first in a while and certainly since she has moved.  Based on the fact that I had a miserable  day at work today. Working a ten hour day, no lunch and jumping through hoops to get an airline to do something nice and free of charge.  Not an easy task. Point is I didn’t call her till 8 PM her time and  all I get is VM. 

It is always the little things that surprise me that catch me off guard the most. I know milestones for each of my kids are coming and I am going to miss the majority of them. I am happy that she called and that she wanted to share with me. It tells me she is still connected to me. But these are the things that just rip me up.  But then not as much as they used to. And that is what kind of worries me. In the sense that yes I am growing more accustomed to the fact that I have to share things long distance. That I am removed from the kids day to day lives.  Growing accustomed to that so it doesn’t affect me as much as it used to, is that really a good thing? I’m not sure. Obviously I need to be able to function and I am and I have been since, oh about the end of August middle September at the latest.

 

Point is I know they are getting used to missing me, as kids are certainly more adaptable than adults. What does that say for me and my relationship with my kids? Not sure yet, its a process I know some days are much much better than others. Today getting that news was just one too many straws. Tomorrow will be better I am going to do my part to ensure that it is.

I still can’t believe it

Someone punched me Friday night and I walked away without reacting in a way I likely would have under any other circumstance. Trust me my first thought was to hit they guy back but it would have ruined what was turning out to be a good evening.  Why did someone hit me you might ask. Well that is the other really weird part of the story. I was out with a friend it was her birthday this week and I took her out to dinner and to hang out together. After dinner we stopped at a place to have a drink. I am standing outside having a smoke when a random stranger starts asking me about my shoes. My shoes of all things, he asks me what kind of shoe they were. HE starts rattling off shoe brands. Finally I tell him, “I think they are rockports” but to be honest I didn’t really remember. Thing is he kept talking to me about the shoes. The reason I mention this is b/c if this part of the conversation never happened I would have never found out who this guy was and it would have been over after my smoke.  But in the course of discussing shoes, yeah shoes. I told him the reason why I like slip on dress shoes is b/c there are times I go into the jail to see people and I prefer not to have shoes with laces just in case they become untied. Whatever. He asks me what I do and I tell him who I work for. So then the really bizarre part of my night begins. He just happens to be the alcoholic stepson of my supervisor.  At this point I am thing what is the fastest way to end this conversation and I need to leave this place ASAP. So as I am making a little small talk, did I mention this guy was very intoxicated? So I am making small talk and getting ready to go inside when he with out any kind of warning punches me in the stomach. Now my first thought was to hit the guy back, but I quickly realized that this decision would likely ruin my evening so I tell the guy he best not touch me again. The super strange part is that he then starts talking to me like nothing happened. I could speculate as to why he hit me but it doesn’t really matter all that much. He follows me in and says hello to my friend who also happens to work with me and walks away. I go to close out my tab after calling my friend who was planning to meet up with us and tell her we were headed elsewhere. I notice that he is sitting at the bar with a full pitcher and talking to another person. HE sees me and starts talking to me again. I ask the bartender, who I know a bit to keep the guy busy so I can get out of there. Which we manage to do. Point is I was really pretty agitated. And my adrenaline was flowing pretty good.  I kept thinking why me? How random was that? As I think about it now I am even more happy with myself for not acting on my first instinct. The rest of the evening was pretty fun despite of how wound up I was.

As for the rest of my weekend I spent all day Saturday up at a friends place in Birch Bay right on the water. Played with his two kids and had alot of fun. He is a great friend who has been super supportive of me this summer and despite the fact that spending time with him is tough in some ways because being around kids certainly makes me miss my own kids. It is also nice to be around kids. I enjoy kids as they are fun.  Today I came home and the plans I had didn’t work out but in the end it was for the best. Lily called and we spent an hour talking on the phone which was great. She was kind of catching me up on all sorts of things and she was telling me about all the things she had been thinking about doing and the next three trips back home. It was great. 6 weeks to go. 6 weeks goes by fast. My daughter told me tonight. “Dad, some days go by so fast it seems as though they are only a few minutes long” Lets hope so, to me this year has seemed as though it has lasted ten. I know I have aged alot this year and I can see that the stress of this year has aged my kids.  I have never wished for time to pass by so quickly as I do now. 

I continue to work on myself during this time. I have learned  a lot about myself, how to manage being alone alot and the importance of taking care of yourself without the distraction created by caring for others. Which is likely something I have never really done a good job of in the past. I will continue to try and enjoy the journey and learn what life has to offer rather than fight against the current.

Election Day

Yesterday was an odd mix of events and feelings. From the time I woke up in LA till the time I fell asleep in my own bed in Seattle. One day removed from finishing school it was a wrap up day in LA. Drove around the city a little bit went to my favorite place to eat breakfast and listed to people debate election issues. Most specifically Prop 8. Which was to amend the CA sate constitution to ban Gay marriages. It always surprises me when someone is so outspokenly homophobic in a public place.  To cap it off rely on religious doctrine to justify intolerance of others. Sad.  I too was already feeling a little sad and nostalgic. Having spent four days with some close friends and being told a dozen times a day, “you should move back to LA” and in part remembering how things down in LA were good times both personally and in my marriage. Not that you can go back but it did tug at my hear strings.  Instead I made promises to return to LA when I have the kids and spend time in a less hectic and pressured manner.  So after spending four days with my friends it was time to go back home. Weary from keeping a busy social schedule and the stress of defending my dissertation and staying out late the night before to celebrate, I arrived at the Burbank airport with a few hours to kill. I wanted to watch some of the election returns but I just didn’t want to sit in a bar. I knew that many of me friends were getting together in various places to watch a truly historic event. And I was sitting alone in an airport trying to check election updates on my blackberry.  As flights go it was good, plenty of room a row to myself and election updates from the cockpit. The news that Obama was our new president elicited cheers and clapping on the plane.  By the time I arrived in Seattle I was wiped out and looking forward to bed. After the ride home in which I was told about a family function was planned  on an evening in which I had told all parties involved I had already made plans. Whatever.  So I get home and walk in the door greeted by my mess of a home, and the silence. I realized how staying with Liz and Lance had given me that comfort of not being alone, alone.  It blew through me pretty hard.  It reallly took me off gaurd and It took all I had to not leave and go somewhere, anywhere and just stay out late, very late.  I take comfort in the fact that I chose better than I have in the recent past and I think that I will continue to accept where I am at as a way to move past it. Sometimes it still catches me when I am not expecting it. All this tempered by the fact that school is over and we have elected a leader who I think will have a profound impact on the psyche of this country.

Finally

After starting a doctoral program in clinical psychology eight long years ago as of today I am finally done. It took about three years longer than it should have but at this point I really don’t care. I have never had to work so hard on, or worry so much about one particular thing.  It is a big weight off my back. I have so many feelings anywhere from giddy excitement to just plain relief. Kind of a touch of sadness that I have no one to share this accomplishment with.  I called or texted anyone I could think of just to let people know. But there is a part of me that feels sad that my ex was not around for this, she helped me get this done and for most of this process I always thought she would be there for the finish.

Best part of coming down to LA to finish, by defending my dissertation, has been catching up with old friends.  It has been so much fun I have already started making plans to come down and visit again when I have the kids this spring or summer.  This week also was halloween by far the hardest time I have had in terms of missing the kids. A kid focused special day that there is no real way to ignore. Everywhere you go there are reminders of what is going on.  My first experience of how difficult the holidays must be for people who are missing loved ones for whatever reason, anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, whew things I am learning to deal with.  Funny thing is I chose to fly to LA on Friday night rather than come down on Saturday or Sunday just so I wasn’t home answering the door for trick or treaters or wishing I had some party to go to.  My flight, I swear to god had 20 passengers on it. It was so odd everyone on the plane was talking about it. I can’t remember a flight that empty since long before 9/11.

Anyway one big task completed.  More to look forward to. It has been a pretty good all things considered.

Who hoo for me!

Keep your head up

Is an old hockey term, meaning if you aren’t looking your about to get cracked.  Much like contact sports such as football or hockey it is often the hits you don’t see coming that often hurt the most.  There seems to be a certain violence that can happen in a relationship when one person does something that hurts the other in a way that is totally out of character.  Having inflicted this form of pain on several people this year and dealing with the ramifications has been a very hard lesson. On top of that we all have our own unexpected moments. Several of which have hit me recently, largely because they came unexpectedly.

Getting an innocent call from a telephone solicitor, I know why was I picking up the phone?, who launched into her spiel about  a children’s magazine I had ordered for my kids and since let expire. As she rushed through her “fantastic” offer I had to stop her. I told her that really the person she ought to be calling is my ex since she has the kids. I could have ordered the magazine and not said anything or just no thank you, but a part of me wanted to say what was really on my mind and quite frankly phone solicitors if anyone kind of deserve it.  Needless to say it was the fastest I have ever been able to get one of them off the phone besides just hanging up on them. Fact is I wasn’t expecting a call like that and it caught me off guard and made me both sad and angry. Those in your face moments that shine a very bright light on what I do not have in my life are often not welcome unless I turn that light on myself.

Two days later. I am in the parking lot at costco, a place I never go to anymore, since I live alone and don’t often eat in bulk. Anyway I am going there to pick up some photos and low and behold who do walk smack dab into just as I am walking past my car but my son’s preschool teacher from last year. Ugh. In what I can only imagine was with best intentions she asked how the kids were.

HER ”It’s really to bad that you aren’t together anymore. You were such a nice family. We all miss Ryan.

Why not just whip out a scalpel and cut my heart out there in the parking lot?

ME “Thank you (what do you say to that?). I hope to bring the kids in during the summer.”

HER  ”to visit?”

ME “I need to leave there for child care during the summer.”

HER “Oh so you get them for the summer?”

No I just want to pay the money just in case…

Capper though is the VM message my son who is four leaves on my phone Monday. He gives me a few quick updates an Halloween and his preschool class and then starts to get teary and sad and says to me “I love you and I really miss you because I am with mom and I really really miss you. I hope mom gets better if she doesn’t I want to stay with you. I hope you take care of me bye bye”

I love you too Ry

More questions than answers

Sometimes there are days that seem to typify your experiences with someone or something. I think I had one of those days this weekend. The only thing is I am not sure what it all really means. I think sometimes I think too much, I tend to live my life in my head, not sure I will ever change that part of myself. What it means though is that when something happens and I am not sure what to do with it I take it and think about it, I think about it a lot.  I was asked a question that completely caught me off guard and it was a good question. One that I have asked myself many times and one that I have probably answered a little differently each time.  I think the reason for that is, I am still largely in a state of transition. Needless to say my life has gone through major changes this year and I am still in the process of going through those changes, how they impact my life and how I can best move forward given the circumstances I find myself in.

So when asked “what do you think you should do?” given the circumstances that are less than what I would like them to be, in large part due to some a very stupid thing that I did combined with my global issues of the minute, I can’t help but think that this person is making the best choice for herself. Given that she tells me that at this time she has no interest in anything more that getting together from time to time what can I say. It makes perfect sense to me.  So given what I know and how I feel, which is that I still have a lot of feelings for her, I go back and forth. Do I just leave her be? Do I continue to spend time with her and see what happens? The rational part of me tells me that I should leave well enough alone and let things happen as they will and come to terms with what has happened between us. Another part of me tells me that even when I ask how she feels about me I never really seem to get a clear picture and that I still have feelings and I would at there very least try again when I am in a better place and time. Which is why I am working so hard on puttings things together in my own life. Not just for the purposes of this relationship but because I need to take care of myself in much better ways than I was earlier this summer.

The toughest thing about all this is knowing how much I did to turn something great into a mess. Tou can’t ever undo what has been done. Best thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and be a better person from it.

Good Day

Nothing special just having a good day. Looking forward to the weekend.  Amazes me how childish someone can be when they are angry with you. For example I have not spoken with my kids in a week. Why? Not really sure, no reason would really be good enough as far as I can tell. But I am not

My performance evaluation

Just had one yesterday. After reading it before my evaluation started a wave of calm washed over me. When I feel this calm coming I know that I am in trouble.  It is or can be both a blessing and a curse this calm. It is why I was and still am good at crisis work. It is why I have worked on involuntary commitment teams and the mandatory treatment teams for the mentally ill. In those situations staying calm with aggressive and unstable clients can save your life and keep you and your client safe. When I feel this coming on personally or professionally it means more than likely I am so angry I go to my best coping mechanism I have. I know I learned this growing up in a house full of chaos and anger. Now I use it when I am about to get really angry. 

So back to the eval. funny thing is the rating I received wasn’t all that bad. What made me angry were the comments.  Down grading me for having problems with co workers who are liars, unethical or who cry in meetings to get there way. When I have approached my supervisors about these people I have been told to handle it better, “your the therapist you shouldn’t get sucked into all this” What! Message is don’t come to me with concerns or problems. Which trust me I won’t ever again.  I should have known better anyway. Problem was I needed to let them know b/c this person who I was having problems with was literally fabricating interactions between the two of us to serve her purposes. Whatever. I refused to sign my eval. I needed to sit on it a day. I will ask for modifications and then sign i. I need to let it go by tomorrow. I am not luging it around over the weekend.

On more good job news. Latest is that  we are look at 10 manditory unpaid  furlough days that cannot all be taken at the same time or consecutively, in exchange we get our step raise and a cost of living raise. Pretty much a push this year but better off in the long term. Than no raise this year. Job stress sucks. Going to LA in 8 days. Crazy. I can’t believe I am finally going to finish.

I have not spoken to the kids in 6 days. Fuck. Hard not to start calling my ex a bunch of names when the only reason I have not had contact is b/c of her. Lily will be getting her own cell phone when she visits. I think after the new year I need to push myself to keep making changes in my life.  Take a class, figure out what I want to do with my social/emotional life. For now I just need to get my dissertation finished, put up my fence, paint my house and enjoy my camera.