Just had one yesterday. After reading it before my evaluation started a wave of calm washed over me. When I feel this calm coming I know that I am in trouble. It is or can be both a blessing and a curse this calm. It is why I was and still am good at crisis work. It is why I have worked on involuntary commitment teams and the mandatory treatment teams for the mentally ill. In those situations staying calm with aggressive and unstable clients can save your life and keep you and your client safe. When I feel this coming on personally or professionally it means more than likely I am so angry I go to my best coping mechanism I have. I know I learned this growing up in a house full of chaos and anger. Now I use it when I am about to get really angry.
So back to the eval. funny thing is the rating I received wasn’t all that bad. What made me angry were the comments. Down grading me for having problems with co workers who are liars, unethical or who cry in meetings to get there way. When I have approached my supervisors about these people I have been told to handle it better, “your the therapist you shouldn’t get sucked into all this” What! Message is don’t come to me with concerns or problems. Which trust me I won’t ever again. I should have known better anyway. Problem was I needed to let them know b/c this person who I was having problems with was literally fabricating interactions between the two of us to serve her purposes. Whatever. I refused to sign my eval. I needed to sit on it a day. I will ask for modifications and then sign i. I need to let it go by tomorrow. I am not luging it around over the weekend.
On more good job news. Latest is that we are look at 10 manditory unpaid furlough days that cannot all be taken at the same time or consecutively, in exchange we get our step raise and a cost of living raise. Pretty much a push this year but better off in the long term. Than no raise this year. Job stress sucks. Going to LA in 8 days. Crazy. I can’t believe I am finally going to finish.
I have not spoken to the kids in 6 days. Fuck. Hard not to start calling my ex a bunch of names when the only reason I have not had contact is b/c of her. Lily will be getting her own cell phone when she visits. I think after the new year I need to push myself to keep making changes in my life. Take a class, figure out what I want to do with my social/emotional life. For now I just need to get my dissertation finished, put up my fence, paint my house and enjoy my camera.
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